Here are some funny quotes to get your day started off with a laugh:
- All generalizations are bad. - R.H. Grenier
- How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? - Nigel Rees
- It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, snowblower or vacuum cleaner. - Ben Bergor
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. - Stephen Wright
- The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once. - H.V. Prochnow ~
- When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car. (maybe Will Rogers)
- Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made. George Burns
- Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one . . . and got hit by a bus. - Bob Rubin
- My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill, he gave me six months more. - Walter Matthau
- I can't believe that out of a hundred thousand sperm, you were the quickest. - Steven Pearl
- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. - Dean Martin
- You want to make God laugh? Tell him your future plans. - Woody Allen
- If I'm not back in five minutes. wait longer! - Ace Ventura
- Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand. - Homer Simpson
- Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. - Homer Simpson
- Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake. - Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower
- Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former. - Albert Einstein
- If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. - George Bernard Shaw
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. - Sharon Stone
- I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right. - Frederick the Great
- I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx